Short Assignments – my frame Sunday, Aug 16 2009 

I know, I’ve referenced this book several times, but only because I think it is a great book.

Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott . The follow passage is credited directly to Anne Lamott. This section is in the second chapter “Short Assignments” starting on page 16.
I think the whole section is important, (or maybe I just love her writing) but I have bolded the paragraph that is the main point of the chapter.

The first useful concept is the idea of short assignments. Often when you sit down to write, what you have in mind is an autobiographical novel about your childhood, or a play about the immigrant experience, or a history of–oh, say–say women. But this is like trying to scale a glacier. It’s hard to get your footing, and your fingertips get all red and frozen and torn up. Then your mental illnesses arrive at the desk like your sickest, most secretive relatives. And they pull up chairs in a semicircle around the computer, and they try to be quiet but you know they are there with their weird coppery breath, leering at you behind your back.

What I do at this point, as the panic mounts and the jungle drums begin beating and I realize that the well has run dry and that my future is behind me and I’m going to have to get a job only I’m completely unemployable, is to stop. First I try to breathe, because I’m either sitting there panting like a lapdog or I’m unintentionally making slow asthmatic death rattles. So I just sit there for a minute, breathing slowly, quietly. I let my mind wander. After a moment I may notice that I’m trying to decide whether or not I am too old for orthodontia and whether right now would be a good time to make a few calls, and then I start to think about learning to use makeup and how maybe I could find some boyfriend who is not a total and complete fixer-upper and then my life would be totally great and I’d be happy all the time, and then I think about all the people I should have called back before I sat down to work, and how I should probably at least check in with my agent and tell him this great idea I have and see if he thinks it’s a good idea, and see if he thinks I need orthodontia–if that is what he is actually thinking whenever we have lunch together. Then I think about someone I’m really annoyed with, or some financial problem that is driving me crazy, and decide that I must resolve this before I get down to today’s work. So I become a dog with a chew toy, worrying it for a while, wrestling it to the ground, flinging it over my shoulder, chasing it, licking it, chewing it, flinging it back over my shoulder. I stop just short of actually barking. But all of this only takes somewhere between one and two minutes, so I haven’t actually wasted that much time. Still, it leaves me winded. I go back to trying to breathe, slowly and calmly, and I finally notice the one-inch picture frame that I put on my desk to remind me of short assignments.

It reminds me that all I have to do is to write down as much as I can see through a one-inch picture frame. This is all I have to bite off for the time being. All I am going to do right now, for example, is write that one paragraph that sets the story in my hometown, in the late fifties, when the trains were still running. I am going to paint a picture of it, in words, on my word processor. Or all I am going to do is to describe the main character the very first time we meet her, when she first walks out the front door and onto the porch. I am not even going to describe the expression on her face when she first notices the blind dog sitting behind the wheel of her car–just what I can see through the one-inch picture frame, just one paragraph describing this woman, in the town where I grew up, the first time we encounter her.
….
So after I’ve completely exhausted myself thinking about the people I most resent in the world, and my more arresting financial problems, and, of course, the orthodontia, I remember to pick up the one-inch picture frame and to figure out a one-­inch piece of my story to tell, one small scene, one memory, one exchange. 1 also remember a story that I know I’ve told elsewhere but that over and over helps me to get a grip: thirty years ago my older brother, who was ten years old at the time, was trying to get a report on birds written that he’d had three months to write, which was due the next day. We were out at our family cabin in Bolinas, and he was at the kitchen table close to tears, surrounded by binder paper and pencils and unopened books on birds, immobilized by the hugeness of the task ahead. Then my father sat down beside him, put his arm around my brother’s shoulder, and said, “Bird by bird, buddy. Just take it bird by bird.”

Being an artist, I couldn’t just have a blank boring frame so I cut out a butterfly (because they have so much personal meaning to me) and used some paper with script and put that inside my frame. (please excuse the cell phone picture).
My Frame

Now it’s your turn, go out and make yourself a frame and remember, when you have something in mind all you have to start off with is something that would fit in that frame.
:)

Positive Thinking Saturday, Aug 15 2009 

How many times in your life have people told you to just “Think Positive”? Bad advice really, when you’re having a crappy…life, people tell you “chin up, think positive.” How is that supposed to help you ask?

I find it interesting how powerful positive thinking actually is. I’m going through a lot, personally, right now, I’m at a very challenging point in my life.

I was talking with my mom yesterday, she’s nervous for me to go to school in Boston, so far away from home. I told her, we need to think positive, everything will be fine if we think it is. And she sort of joked around that she can’t believe that I, Kendra, the one out of all 4 of us kids who was always the most depressed, the most negative about life, the most pessimistic…I was telling her to be positive?
It is sort of strange thinking about it. Sure I hate life, sure things suck and life is a challenge but….

But…
If you want to enjoy life, if you want to have just a little bit of joy, even when things aren’t going your way, you need to make it happen. I think this goes hand in hand with change. If you want something to happen, you must make it happen, you must believe in it. You must think positively about a situation and it will become positive.

I will be living alone for about 2 years in Boston. The longest I’ve been away from home without any of my family has been 10 days. I am very close with my mom, we do a lot together and I tell her almost everything. It will be hard to be away from her, harder being alone. But, I need to think positively about the situation, if I don’t it will all crumble, life will fall apart and my worst fears will come true (I’ll fail school). I think it will be a good thing for my work to be alone, I can literally throw every ounce, every single cell in my body into my photography, into my art and just let it become me even more than it already is.
I will grow up, faster than I already have, I will be in the real world (ha). I will be alone and I will be trying to conquer the world. At least my own little part of it.

Positive. If you go into a test thinking you will do amazing, thinking you will ace it, you will probably do pretty well. If you go in stressed out of your damn mind and ready to throw up once the paper is down on your desk, well you’re more likely to fail.

I can’t tell you how far False Confidence really goes.

And the good part?
Eventually it won’t be false confidence anymore. Someday, you might really believe in yourself.

I’m not there yet, but I’m trying.

I have lost my Voice. Saturday, Aug 8 2009 

I have lost my Voice.
I have lost the words
to express my thoughts,
to describe my feelings.
Perhaps, I am lost.
They are the ones still found, but I,
the girl that stands behind the words,
whose voice was one so strong and bold.
I am lost.
Lost, without any sense of direction.
A victim of the world surrounding me,
of the world that should, and used to,
aide me
in putting pen to paper.
Imagine,
my muse sitting in the corner across from me,
as stress consumes both
her and I.
As the worries about the real world overtake
my thoughts about the fantasy ones I
wish to create.
How sad it is,
to see her,
my one true friend,
my beloved companion,
being forced toward the wall,
crying and reaching toward me.
I reach back,
but a monster stands between
her and I.
Our communication has been disabled
and I am
stuck
unable to speak the words
I yearn to use.
Chaos swarms around my head,
the thoughts I once cherished so,
now bombard me in unwelcome ways.
I have lost my Voice.

Lemonade Thursday, Aug 6 2009 

“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” To be honest, I don’t know who said the quote, does anyone? And I know it’s a quote that is often mocked.
It’s actually a good philosophy to follow in life. Whatever life hands you, make the best of it, make it work for you and make it okay. Right? Seems simple enough doesn’t it.

I wish it was. I’m trying to make lemonade from my own over-ripe sour lemons and it’s proving very difficult. How do you make something taste good when your ingredients taste so sour and aren’t good anymore?
It takes strength to make lemonade. Making lemonade is a life changing, growth giving event, shouldn’t I embrace it for all its worth? I like change, I like growth. But not when it comes at this price and not when it is this hard. I don’t mind a challenge but this is a difficult I’ve never had to face and I’m not sure how to face it.

Can’t I just buy pre-made lemonade?

Crunch Time Monday, Aug 3 2009 

It’s defiantly getting to be crunch time.
Maybe. Maybe I’ve still got a week to be lazy? Please someone say I can be lazy for one more week.

I got an email today from the Realtor who found my apartment in Boston…I will have keys in hand and be inside the freshly painted 1bed on September 1st. Okay so that’s….28 days. Seems like a long time kind of right? That’s the full month of February!
well..
my to-do list

-Figurative Self Portrait for school
-Look over an entire Art History book for school
-Reread/journal about Bird by Bird
-I need to get 7-10 photos printed for my Honors Studio class
-Buy my books from Writing and the Literary Arts (probably by my other books too but I have no idea what they are yet)
-Edit about 200 more wedding photos, get them printed and make sure they print decent. Get contract from Bride and Groom, get a CD made. CD, photos and print release mailed to Bride and Groom (I’ve spent about 6 -10 hours already editing.)
-Figure out some stuff to put up on Etsy so I can make a little bit of side cash. (I figure if I sell 3-5 things a month, it should help pay for internet or something.)
-Get test prints done for things I plan to sell on Etsy. Postcards, Greeting cards, fine art prints, magnets, silk screened cards, cyanotypes….etc
-Go to Bank of America and get an account there. (There are few or 0 Chase banks in Boston)
-Have a 14 hour Lord of the Rings marathon with lots of pizza, candy and pjs all day with my sister
-See my brothers again before I go. Hopefully go out to dinner with the whole family.
-Play with my puppy
-Find a truck to put my shit in to move.
-Buy a plane ticket because the trucks are 2 seaters and both of my parents are going.
-Buy the Photoshop Cs4 academic edition suite
-Paint both of my rooms (my bedroom and my art room. my mom doesn’t want to have to do it after I leave)
-PACK! I want to be packed by the 20th or so….I don’t use a lot of my stuff on a daily basis. I have books, art supplies (which will be the last thing packed), photo supplies that are already boxed and clothes that sit in buckets because I hate dressers.
-Buy : 2 rugs, a BED, lamps, 2 bookshelves, kitchen table, small comfy chair, a trunk to use as a coffee table, a tv and dvd player (I won’t have cable but I have a lot of movies and need constant noise). Oh and my phone is crap, I need a new one.
-Network
-Stop spending money
-Pack
-Create some artwork for my mom to hang on her walls
-Sort through my art and decide what I will have room for, what I can’t bare to leave behind, and what I don’t mind only seeing on occasion.
-Relax and hang out with my family (I have no friends)

see? SEE?SEEEEE????? see how much shit I have to do in 28 days, it’s insane. I’m going insane. I want it to be September 10th now and be moved, and school start and done with the move.

So much change, very fast. But I’m keeping busy (obviously) so that helps. Ish…I don’t even know anymore.

So much time and so little to do. Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it.

Expiration Date – a story in human behavoir Sunday, Aug 2 2009 

This is a short story that I wrote about a month ago. I wanted to continue it as a longer story and make it kind of a study of how people deal with death, maybe I still will at some point but for now I’ll just share this….

And this fits in with the new theme on NaBloPoMo.

Oh and please excuse any crappiness that you read, I never really edited this piece

Do you ever remember when you were younger, wondering what you would do if you were going to die? Talking to your friends about how you would change your life? What places you would want to visit, what people you want to connect with before you pass. It was an oddly light topic, with the crazy things you would want to accomplish and the life changing events that would take place. What would you do if you were told you had a year left to live?

Yesterday, January 12, 2009, I was given an expiration date. It was stamped onto my hand with the ink that’s used at carnivals that doesn’t come off no matter how hard or how long you scrub.
This morning, I woke as the day light broke the horizon. I let Chase, my 2 year old puppy, out in the backyard, press “on” on my Coffee Mate and go to shower. The soothing heat didn’t tantalize me in to staying under the spray for very long. I wiped the moisture off the mirror but a haze remained that silhouette my form as I stood naked, dripping wet.

I saw nothing physically – outwardly – wrong with me. My brown locks were thick and fell just past my large (voluptuous as some men call them) breasts. I wasn’t in the best shape, a few extra pounds sat around my waist, hung out around my thighs and scurried around on my backside. However, I was a fairly healthy looking 26 year old. Turning side-ways, I tried to examine myself 360 all around. Me legs were longer than most, they looked best in a skirt, or so I’d been told. They curved in just the right places and had muscles were muscles were needed.

Moving closer to the mirror, I studied my face. The defining lines were hard, sharp angles, with a little pudginess to my cheeks. My skin turned golden in the spring and summer, but now in the winter, there was nothing more than a faint glow to my face. My green eyes were deep set, there was a shadow under them; I didn’t sleep well last night. I had a few small laugh lines and the start of wrinkles, but nothing that made me look older than I was. There was nothing sickly about me, I didn’t appear ill and those that didn’t know, couldn’t tell.

Chase barked and I was startled out of my examination. Glancing out the small bathroom window, my beloved lab was jumping at the oak tree at the far end of the yard. At least he wasn’t digging again, he was ruining my garden almost daily with those little paws.

I brushed, flossed and scrubbed my face with the wash that took me twelve years to find and was now the perfect combination for my skin. I put on the skirt that compliment my legs the best, a simple shirt as to not distract from my long limbs, then quickly plaited my hair to keep it out of the way.

After letting Chase in I prepared my coffee with just the right amounts of sugar and cream and sat down at my kitchen table, the sun starting to shine through the windows.
I started when Chase barked at my side, begging me to throw his ball. I patted his head and sipped my coffee.
It was cold.
How long have I been sitting here? I wondered, pouring out the coffee. I glanced at the microwave clock.
9:37am.

How did it get so late? Giving Chase one last pat on the head, I gathered my purse and my portfolio and headed to the studio.
It was a normal day. I sold 4 paintings and finished 2 that I had been working on for the past week, they would probably sell tomorrow. I got caught up on some paper work for the month – boring accounting things that no artists enjoys doing – paid a few bills and was home by seven.

The rest of the week passed in much the same fashion. Normal. I met friends for lunch on Wednesday. We ate at a small French restaurant that had the best coffee and bread (naturally) around. Thursday was coffee with John, my long-term boyfriend. I sold a total of 20 paintings all week and had a few more commissioned pieces that I began work on.

I hadn’t told anyone about my death sentence yet. Sure, I have been dying for years but everyone has always expected me to make a full recovery. No one knew about my latest doctors appointment so they had no reason to wonder what had happened or if there was any news. I still have a year to live, a year is a long time…right?

Maybe I’ll tell John tomorrow, I decided while I climbed in to bed Friday night. But really what was the point? There was nothing he – nor anyone- could do for me. I was doomed and no matter how bad it hurt him, he couldn’t change that.

I debated with myself for hours that night, wondering if I should tell him. Yes he deserved to know, we’d been together for over four years, we were in love. Of course he deserved to know. He was my confidant and my only family left. My parents had died years ago, my sister left the family as soon as she turned 18 and if my illness couldn’t bring her back my death surely wouldn’t either.

I’d keep quiet for now. Maybe if no one knows it won’t happen. Maybe if I tell no one, I won’t die.

The ideas inside Friday, Jul 31 2009 


(The loss of a friend
©KendraJ.Kantor )

A few weeks ago I created a journal page that involved flowers, I posted the photo on my art blog , with the words I wrote in the book. I didn’t think as I wrote, I rarely do, but I think I need to ponder more on what I wrote. So excuse me if this post is a bit all over the place and makes no sense, it is my thoughts as I think them about flowers and gardens.

As I journaled that day, I had a few things sitting in the back of my head. Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott was one of them.

The garden is one of the two great metaphors for humanity. The other, of course, is the river. Metaphors are a great language tool, because they explain the unknown in terms of the the known. But they only work if they resonate in the heart of the writer. So I felt a little understaffed here, loving the metaphor when I came upon it, wanting to work with it, and yet not loving to garden.

I didn’t know where to start, but I did know that the garden did not start out as metaphor. It started out as paradise. Then, as now, the garden is about life and beauty and the impermanence of all living things. The garden is about feeding your children, providing food for the tribe. It’s part of an urgent territorial drive that we can trace back to animals storing food. It’s a competitive display mechanism like having a prize bull, this greed for the best tomatoes and English tea roses; it’s about winning, about providing society with superior things, and about proving you have tasted and good values and you work hard. And what a wonderful relief every so often to know who the enemy is–because in the garden the enemy is everything: the aphids, the weather, time. And so you pour yourself into it, care so much, and see up close so much birth and growth and beauty and danger and triumph–and then everything dies anyway, right? But you just keep doing it! What a great metaphor!

Reading this, I paused. My mind was reeling, too many thoughts jumped around and I couldn’t piece it all together. She’s right…gardens, flowers, plants of any kind…have so much meaning and metaphor that it’s hard to swallow. I love this about the world, I love picking things apart, using pieces of the world in my writings and making it…full, making it complete and make the worlds I create have a meaning with the use of metaphors such as these.

This paragraph by Anne Lamott made me recall a part of Le Petit Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery. I read this book in my French 4 class this past year. I think it was a great book, my teacher thought that Saint-Exupery must have been on drugs to be able to write it (but that’s a different topic. Although, as an aside I must say…while yes, the book is a bit out there, it is by far NOT the ‘trip-y-est’ or weirdest book I have ever read). I think we took it too much at the surface, I think there’s a lot deeper meaning to most of this book than we delved into.

However….a few chapters in, Le Petit Prince lands on the planet of a geographer. He (the prince) is talking about his flower that he left back on his own planet and asking if it could be recorded in the geography book. (the following quote is from an English translated book, and I do think it has more meaning in the French language, I don’t own a copy of it in French.)

“I also have a flower.”
“We do not record flowers,” said the geographer.
“Why is that? The flower is the most beautiful thing on my planet!”
“We do not record them,” said the geographer, “because they are ephemeral.”
“What does that mean–’ephemeral’?”"Geographies,” said the geographer, “are the books which, of all books, are most concerned with matters of consequence. They never become old-fashioned. It is very rarely that a mountain changes its position. It is very rarely that an ocean empties itself of its waters. We write of eternal things.”
But extinct volcanoes may come to life again,” the little prince interrupted. “What does that mean– ‘ephemeral’?”
“Whether volcanoes are extinct or alive, it comes to the same thing for us,” said the geographer. “The thing that matters to us is the mountain. It does not change.”
“But what does that mean–’ephemeral’?” repeated the little prince, who never in his life had let go of a question, once he had asked it.
“It means, ‘which is threatened by imminent disappearance.’”
“Is my flower ‘threatened by imminent disappearance.’ ?”
“Certainly it is.”

These two ideas about gardens and flowers brought me to my own pondering on this journal page :

Photobucket

“Flowers are a symbol of death and life. Flowers are movable, they are pieces of ephemera, they are not constant. They sprout, the bloom, they bask in the sun and at some point they all begin to wilt. Maybe one or two petals falls off, and then one day, you glance at this thing that was one the essence, the epitome of beauty and it is wilted, bare and fallen apart. Life and death.”

I think it’s interesting how much we (people) put into gardens, helping give life to plants, the status we put on flowers and how they affect us and our relationships with others.

People who garden, do it almost constantly. Gardens need care all the time. They need weeding, and water, and the dead plants need to be pulled out or the living ones will look less vibrant (or maybe not, maybe compared to death, the life will look more vibrant, but that’s not how we think is it? Something is dead, so it’s gone and needs to not be seen, it needs to be ripped out of the ground, roots and all and thrown into that brown bag that the garbage men pick up once a month. Maybe instead you put it with your home-made fertilizer and grind it up and give the death to the living. Make the circle even more round. In death, there is life.)

I think we often view those with gardens and beautiful landscapes with a different status than others. Not a status as if these people are higher up in the world than the rest of us, but subconsciously, our minds recognize them differently and want us to interact with these people in a different way.
These people give life, they nourish, they feed living creatures -like bees, other insects and sometimes people. They help bring beauty to our Earth as it is slowly being taken over by paved roads and steel buildings. They give us something to look at in, something that many take for granted but gardens, plants and flowers are a small piece of each of us and we should all (at some point in our lives) be in awe of their beauty and what they represent. Plant life give us a moment to pause and…smell the flowers as it were.


(inhale..exhale…1
©KendraJ.Kantor )

Specifically back to what I wrote in my journal… As seen from the symbolism behind my tattoo, I personally relish in things that carry the concept of the life and death connection. How many people have you met that have said, “We’re all dying.” “Life is just sitting around waiting for death.” And, it’s true. All of those cliches about death being the “end all be all” to life, they’re true. Death is the end, what comes after that is up to you, but the end of life as humans live it is death. They are connected. You cannot have one without the other.

It’s a very interesting compare/contrast type of scenario I feel like I’ve pushed myself into. Plant Life vs The Human Race. Humans, like plants…start as a seed, they sprout, they grow taller and start to grow leaves, they flower, they bloom, a petal hits the ground, the stem begins to wilt, falling flower to the ground, the plant begins to brown until the roots dry up and nothing is left. Often times, it is easier to find the beauty in a flower than a human, the beauty of a flower is obvious, human beauty is often buried like a treasure.


(©KendraJ.Kantor )

I feel like I could just ramble about this all day and not really get to a completely encompassing thought/idea. I would love to hear what others think? Join in, I love discussions.

For now, this is all I’ve got.

Wisconsin and Minnesota Monday, Jul 20 2009 

So…just as I get back into the groove of blogging regularly…I’m going away again.

Not so stressful a trip this time though. I’m going to wisconsin to see my grandpa then off to Minnesota for a family reunion. Will be back next Tuesday (the 28th) hopefully with some photos :)

See ya later

The concept of Thought Sunday, Jul 19 2009 

Thinking, or the concept of thought is something I’ve been pondering a lot lately. I’ve begun this post several times, I’ve had too many ideas, a lot that have been contridictory and some that just make no sense. I’ll try again.

Thoughts can be lovely and take us away from the worries and mundane-ness of the world or it can create horrors that could never exist.

Many of us become avid readers to make others think for us, in a sense anyways. The writer thinks, writes it down and we read the thoughts they have formed for us to help us to forget the chaos that is the real world. We become emotionally involved in the literature, the characters become our friends, their homes become ours. By the end of a book (or a long series, which is always best for making one forget), we have in someway learned to think like the writer, we understand his/her thoughts so well, that reading their words becomes fluid.
Once we finish that book we are shoved back into the real world, and our thoughts often become worse.
My point?

“I think; therefore I am.” This popular saying was popularized by Descartes, a Latin philosopher in 1637. This is a very interesting phrase and something that popped up in some literature I was reading and seemed to juxtapose well with my thought processes here (although I am a bit all over the place and I apologize for that, and now that I think about it…”I think; therefore I am” is more interesting than I initially realized and something I need to explore on its own at some point). Our thoughts are the key ingredient that sets us apart as human beings. It makes us different from other animals, bees don’t often ponder over what to eat for lunch, while even I’ve been known to sit in a restaurant and agonize over what to pick. Thinking makes us unique from the people next door or those across the world.

Thoughts are the match that bring the flame. They can bring forth progressive change in the world but can also bring about a regression of society. And too many conflicting thoughts have been known to bring about no change at all.

So, my blog…and one of my…missions lets call it, in life is to change and grow. So why is it that I am ever fighting with myself to make the thoughts stop? A great writer is a writer that is always thinking, always wondering about how things work and why the world is so messed up and how to change it or how to capture that in words. A great artists is always observant, always thoughtful of the shapes and colors in the world.
It is the thoughts that create those scary monsters that I run from, not the ones that create the image of a tree so old and so loved standing in the backyard of a house built 200 years before. The thoughts that make me question my insanity and want to pull away from the world and be able to flick that switch to off.

My point?
I know, I’m always just fishing for the point of my posts aren’t I? My thesis is never clear even to me. And I don’t know what it is. I love thoughts, I love knowing how others think, it often baffles me the differences in thoughts.

I love to think, its a wonderful thing. Its essential to writing, to art, to analyze literature I love so much. I, and I think a lot of the population, need to embrace the concept of thought more often and not be afraid of it. Even when those dark creatures come creeping around the corner, we need to shove them away, or, perhaps embrace them too and create something magical.

The Tale of the Pen Wednesday, Jul 15 2009 

Once so loved by delicate, tender hands, the black tipped pen now sat alone in the dark. No longer did she go out to play and frolic in the sun.
The ink inside her walls was drying out, it was solidifying inside her walls. Must be the lack of use she mused.
The clicky-top had not been clicked in so long, the tip had not touched fresh air in months.
One morning, in late June she guessed, the pen was quite sad.

She felt it was a beautiful day out, she thought it would be a wonderful day to be written with, to be used and handled.
She wanted so desperately to be grasped and whisked across those pages, to be there as words formed and ink dripped out to be put to a better use.

Slowly, every so slowly, that lovely ball point pen inched her way along the desk, ran towards the fingers near the middle, those fingers that had become a bit foreign to her.
She nestled between them, it felt like meeting an old friend, she was safe and home.

Use me, she begged, softly in naught but a whisper.

Use me, she cried so quietly the person behind the fingers had to pause her shallow breathing just to hear the sounds.

Use me, she cried louder once more.

Finally, that day in late June, with the windows open wide and the sound of Robbins and young children rushing through the room, the fingers obeyed.

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